Comfortable Disorientation

Fomo, Twitter and self representation

A while ago, I came across this list teen slang glossery in the Guardian. The inventive brilliance of language evolution makes me smile. Over the last week or so FOMO (fear of missing out) has made it into my own personal lexicon. It's just quite handy as my acute fomo is a powerful driver.

It's the potent combination of fomo and curiosity that has overcome my Twitter barriers (do I need the pressure of another self-imposed obligation? do I want to give away the details of my life? will this just expose how boring I am really?). So I went to sign up, but encountered an obstacle I couldn't overcome, left it for a while, then went back and forced myself to sort it out.

The issue I had was with choosing a picture. Pathetic, I know. I've agonised over it out of all proportion. Each image I've considered as my single visual representation feels riddled with potential hidden messages. Does it reveal how I see myself? And what if that's completely different to how people see me implying I'm self-deluded (shudder)? Does it look like I'm I trying to appear more cool, quirky, popular or attractive than I really am?

I've got a similar problem with PokerDIY, a friend's poker site. There are messages waiting for me, but I can't get to them because the new registration form insists I select a nickname. I'm squeamish about giving myself a nickname, but not sure if using your own name is the done thing when it comes to poker.

With Twitter, I considered conducting a poll. Offering a range of pictures and asking for help with the selection on here. This was the moment when I realised quite how ridiculous I was being, gave myself a good talking to and got on with it.

So I'm finally up and running. The next task is to find some friends. Watching the public timeline is fascinating and distracting - twitters are just so tantalizing in what they reveal because of what remains unsaid - but it's not an efficient way of finding the people you know. I'm sure there's an easier way of finding people, I'll make that this weekend's technological challenge. If you've already got it sussed and want to find me, I'm using my initials HLT.

Prioritising

Since I've returned from my holiday, this blog has felt like a millstone. I'm worried that I'm neglecting it, not posting enough, letting myself and other people down. Like overdue bills stuffed into a drawer, it's presence is nagging at me and I find myself anxiously looking around for something, anything to appease it.

I don't have the excuse of being busy. I am busy of course, but no more so than usual. And it's not that I don't have things to blog about, it's just that I don't feel I can do justice to the things that currently interest me by pinning them down into pithy posts.

Yesterday I had something, and I was rushing home to write it up. Triumphantly carrying my idea like a prize, mentally polishing it as I hurried. I got a telephone call from someone I care about. They had big, exciting news and wondered whether I was free to help them celebrate, take the enormity on board and plot their new future.

I hesitated.

This hesitation was so wrong, but at least it's made me realise how silly I'm being. So what if I go a week without a post? So what if the number of page views are dwindling? When and why did this become so important to me?

I feel much better (and strangely more able to post) now I've found some perspective. It's amazing how easily I find myself chasing some ideal I never really wanted in the first place.

Being open

Photo by Marie-II

My dad worries about my openness on here. Paternal concern is nice & comforting, but I'm wondering what I can do to reassure him. If anyone has any ideas, they would be gratefully received.

I am generally a very open person. I think I probably always have been but qualitative training only encourages it. Sometimes I am inappropriately open - I have to concentrate very hard to be politic, and have an unfortunate tendency to be as free and easy with the thoughts and feelings of others, as I am with my own. I can keep a secret, but only if I know it's meant to be a secret in the first place.

I am hyper-conscious of the fact that anyone could read what I say here.  In that way it is very different from a diary or a notebook. The content is carefully screened (even if the typos and spelling errors aren't). I haven't got the boundaries quite right yet and there are certainly posts I regret, but it's a work in progress.  I have an imaginary blog for posts I would like to write, but that would definitely be inappropriate. 

S-Class, no navvy

 

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been coming out to friends and family about my blogging activity. Until now it's been a secret indulgence, but now that a few people are reading it and it's started to impact my life in other ways, I felt I ought to tell people what I'm up to. 

I find it quite hard to tell people, but I've only just worked out why. 

There are two broad types of response, those I like and those I don't.  The responses I like are when people are interested, impressed, excited or curious.  They may find it a little odd or quirky but essentially they get it and are interested to hear about it. A few people express an interest in having a go themselves and I love encouraging them.

The responses I don't like are those that express doubt or criticism.  I find myself having to justify and defend my blog and I hate having to do that.  It has made me realise quite how important and personal this is to me now. I pretend it's a frivolous activity of little significance, but really it is something I get disproportionately emotive about.  If someone is dubious about it I feel under attack, and it hurts.

It turns out I'm afraid of criticism. Every time I tell someone about my blog I risk opening myself up to it.  Luckily, the number of positive responses outweigh the negative ones and this encourages me to keep telling people.

The post title refers to one of my favourite responses so far.  "Comfortable Disorientation? You mean like driving an S-Class with no navvy?"

Online shy

In the offline world, I’m socially confident.  I’m rarely intimidated, I expect to survive in almost any company and feel thrilled on those occasions I am truly out of my depth.

 

Online however, I’ve come over all shy.  Exploring the blogosphere it can appear that everyone is more intelligent/witty/literate/creative/clued-up/prolific/successful/interesting than I could ever hope to be.

 

Sometimes this makes continuing to blog a force of will.

 

Often I am tempted to make myself appear more intelligent/witty/etc. than I really am.

 

It also prevents me from getting more involved.  I haven’t even wanted to link to other sites for fear of alerting people to my existence.

 

I am aware this is very silly, so I have given myself a good talking to, taken a deep breath and nervously stuck my head above the parapet and included a few more links.

 

Hello!