Comfortable Disorientation

Heroes and villains

When I first moved to London my housemates and I used to play a game while watching TV. As soon as a character appeared on screen, we had to shout out "goodie" or "baddie", making a snap decision about the character's destiny based only on their first appearance.  Overtime we developed schemas and rules (in TV-land, moustaches are usually a sure sign of badness) as well as developing a separate "expendable" category for those we didn't expect to make it to the end of the show or film.

We used to delight in bemoaning the lack of proper goodies or baddies, enjoying the let down of appropriate moral complexity in characters. Of course, the best heroes are deeply flawed, this makes them human and gives them the potential to be heroic.  Likewise, few villains are devoid of any redeeming features.  We know this, yet still often wish it wasn't so. 

Part of us wants our heroes to remain perfect, preserved on the pedestals where we place them. This gives us hope, something true to believe in.  And we want our villains to to remain bad, rotten to the core. There's always a disappointing sense of loss when the bad guys redeem themselves.  We'd rather they stayed bad, ideally meeting with ghastly sticky ends and recognising the error of their ways only when it's too late. We enjoy having something to hate because it makes us feel better about being imperfect ourselves.

We don't like it when our heroes start fraternising with their nemeses apparent. It upsets our sense of world order and it tarnishes our image of perfection.  But really, aren't the true heroes those that help the baddies to become good?

Shopkeeper daydreams

Everyone has the coffee shop fantasy, right? You know, the one where you give it all up for a simpler life running a coffee shop.  And not just any coffee shop but the world's greatest coffee shop, with the perfect ambiance, quietly cosy, snug and convivial.

Or perhaps it's a book shop instead? Maybe a coffee/book shop would be best. Or a small cafe within a book shop.  Or an antique shop - though I doubt there's much money in the kind of nostalgic bric a brac that tends to take my fancy.

I must be getting older. A few years ago I dreamt of running an upmarket lingerie shop.  It was an imaginary joint venture with a friend - she did the buying and creative side, I looked after everything else.  As a teenager, it was a different friend and a dream of a ice-cream parlour. Having read too many slushy American romances, we could never understand why these didn't already populate our high street.

Of course, in my heart of hearts I know I'd be useless at any of the above. And the idea that it would be any easier than what I do now is laughable.  Still, they're lovely indulgent daydreams to play with.

What are other people's "giving all this up to do x" fantasies?

Romantic gestures

Overall, having a birthday on Valentine's day is a good thing.  I'm always spoilt and made to feel special with presents and cards. And though going out for meal with friends can be difficult, there's always an extra frisson of excitement amongst those who help me celebrate.

However hard you try to ignore Valentine's day, you can't help but be aware of its presence, it can provoke all sorts of emotional reactions (see this week's PostSecret).  It's too easy to be cynical: at the explosion of tat; at sentiment being exploited for commercial gain; at the need for a special day in order to express love.   But really the day is simply an opportunity, it should be seen as an invitation rather than a duty.

The poker girls were discussing Valentine's day on Friday.  The consensus was that the day should be marked ("given respect" were Harriet's words), this means there will be disappointment if it isn't.  Discussing 'the ultimate romantic gesture', we all felt it shouldn't need to be extravagant. Suggestions included: a home cooked meal (Harriet), an anonymous card (Kerry), flowers (Gemma). Though I didn't think of it at the time, I would have to pick the hand-written love letter. 

Claire had once been taken horse-riding in Hyde Park for Valentine's day, and we all considered that impressive!

Boys and girls

I appear to be on a bit of a gender trip at the moment. My last two posts have mentioned gender and I seem to be thinking about gender differences a lot. Funnily enough, Beeker has just posted about gender differences in (planning) blogging.

I've got a feeling there's a trend towards gender polarisation going on. That it's becoming increasingly fashionable to accept that men and women are different, and to celebrate and target these differences accordingly.

Over the last 18 months or so we have been doing a disproportionate amount of gender specific work. Understanding men or women in relation to this or that category (often ones where you wouldn't normally expect a significant gender bias), working for brands that are either overtly targeting along gender lines, or are looking to actively shift their target more to one gender. Of course, there has always been a bit of this sort of work around - but in the last couple of years the volume has increased dramatically.

I'm wondering whether any one else has noticed this or if I'm generalising wildly from my own experience? Also, if there is such a trend going on - what's driving it?

Is it that post-feminism, we've recently started to get over a reluctanance to treat men and women differently? Has there been a lingering sense of discomfort about overt gender specifism; a feeling that targeting by gender would be a betrayal or an admission of defeat; that we should be eradicating gender differences along with inequality, rather than promoting them?

Or is it because other traditional segregations (age, status, nationality) are becoming less important, so gender differences are appearing to be more important and obvious?

I would be interested to know if others have noticed this too, and to hear people's thoughts...

On writing Christmas cards

I always think it's going to be a chore, but I get a strange kind of pleasure from this annual task. 

It's a stock take, I start with last year's list and then collate all the changes - addresses, names growing or shrinking families, new friends etc. I am forced to address the state of my relationships with people - particularly those I've not been in contact with for a while.  It's a time to note and acknowledge the fluctuations in my social network.

Selection of Christmas cards is important.  I feel every card I send says something about me. I could never send the same card to everyone - I choose different ones to send to different people according to their age, gender, personality and my relationship with them. People from the generation above me tend to get bigger cards and I think there's some very latent sense of 'respect for your elders' at play. 

As I've been organising and writing mine this afternoon, I've been thinking about how much the ritual of card sending is loaded with culture and meaning and how engaging with it (or not) can send out all sorts of messages.  Everyone makes a choice, consciously or unconsciously, about how they want to handle the issue of Christmas cards and in so doing they reveal something about their personality and their priorities.

Women are more likely to do the card sending in couples - it's just more important to them. They're more likely to notice the details and the subtlety, so it's harder for them to ignore or abdicate the responsibility for it.

Hankering for order

I came across these individual cream taster pots in Sainsbury's today and they filled me with wonder. 

I find it simply unfathomable to imagine being so Christmas focused and organised, that I would make a priority of tasting different types of cream to be sure of having just the right one in a couple of month's time.

My brother has done all his Christmas shopping.  How is that possible?

Most of the time I like my always-slightly-chaotic life.  But just occasionally I wonder what it would be like to be someone who's always got things well planned in advance, and doesn't just feel like they're making it up as they go along.

Coffee, coats and seasonal precision

I went to Russell's coffee morning yesterday. Getting myself there and through the door was an act of will over instinct, but I'm glad I did. It was nice.

I talked to Beeker about not working in Soho and missing the proximity to Oxford Street.  After I left and as I walked back to the tube I was thinking about shopping & coats. Something like this:

"Maybe I'll brave a trip to Oxford Street this weekend... I really need a new coat... Oxford Street is probably quite good for coat shopping... I wish I hadn't thrown my two favourite coats away earlier this year... they were knackered though, they'd become an embarrassment. If I didn't throw them I'd never get round to buying new ones... I wish I still had them... I hate buying coats, they're an investment and I'm never sure how much I like one until after I've worn it a bit... I wonder if I can put it off for a bit... No that's silly, I really need to get one. It's going to get really cold one morning soon, and I'm going to feel stupid as I shiver my way to work..."

Then I emerged onto Oxford Street and saw this.

For a split second I imagined Top Shop had read my mind and arranged its window display accordingly.  But of course, it's just canny seasonal precision. I'm not the only one thinking "I really must buy a coat" just now.

It's effective, I now believe Top Shop has an wide choice of coats (I can see at least 30 in the window) and I expect them to be cheap enough not to cause me "but do I like it enough?" agony. I can buy one to keep me warm now, and look for an investment coat later.  I'm no longer going to Oxford Street, I'm going to Top Shop, Oxford Circus.

Passenger

Given the choice, I always opt to be a passenger rather than a driver. I enjoy letting someone else take control as I sit back, feel the lull of movement and allow my thoughts drift with the passing scenery.

I'm lucky, in my job I get to make a plenty of train journeys that are long enough to count as an event. Something magic happens to me on trains - I can solve problems that had previously been impossible, I have ideas that are almost as good as the ones I have just before I fall asleep, I can get a phenomenal amount of work done.

On a car journey there's usually a sense of camaraderie with the occupants. You can't help but feel a joint sense of purpose and an awareness of your role in the car's micro culture. In the passenger seat I feel a perfectly pleasant duty to engage the driver from time to time. I'm not bad at navigating as long as I stay focussed. Though as my husband knows, it's a good idea to nudge my awareness well before any critical decisions need to be made.

We have a journey to make tomorrow. I'm hoping he's happy to drive.

Stuff we learnt at school but rarely get chance to use

Prompted by Rob @ Cynic's comment about the word onomatopoeia, I've been thinking abut the little chunks of knowledge that are lodged in our collective consciousness because we learnt about them at school.

Obviously, we (should have) learnt lots of things at school, but the diversity of curriculum and subject choices means a great deal will be different for different people.  And I suspect that for most of us, a great deal that was once known has been lost over time.

Some things though prove sticky for a lot of us. I think the word onomatopoeia is one of them - along with its cousin 'alliteration'.  I distinctly remember learning both words as I studied Romeo & Juliet (my first foray into Shakespeare).  They stuck because it's just nice to discover that there's a word for these things.  The fact that the words themselves have a sense of poetry to them - onomatopoeia is almost onomatopoeic, it kind of echos as you say it - is the icing on the cake.

Geography, for some reason was also a rich source of collective learning as demonstrated by the picture by Andy Riley in his book Great Lies To Tell Small Kids. I hated geography and dropped it as soon as I could (I didn't like all the colouring in), yet things like 'longshore drift' and 'ox-bow lakes' have stayed in my memory better than stuff from subjects I enjoyed more.

Can anyone think of anything else?

Selecting the right question

Why?
Questions are one of the most important tools of my trade. We use them a lot and are very aware that some questions are better than others. The question we use most frequently is why? We ask the people we are researching ‘Why is that important?’, ‘why do you think that?’, ‘why did you respond in that way?’. And, internally we ask ourselves ‘why is this person saying/doing that?’, ‘why are different people saying/doing different things?’. Our job is to bring understanding, so by asking why, we should have answers ready for those that want them.

What?
A few years back I was exploring lifecoaching, I liked some of the principles and thought the tools might be useful. I didn’t pursue it far but one thing that struck me was that a life-coach doesn’t ask why they ask what. ‘What do you really want?’, ‘what is most important to you?’, ‘what do you want to achieve?’, ‘what are you going to do about it?’. What is a decisive & action oriented question, it’s a business-like rather than reflective and pondering like why?

How?
I think how might be the engineer’s question. ‘How does this work?’, ‘how is this possible?’, ‘how can we make it happen?’. Like what, it is action oriented but it is much more specific, pragmatic and mechanical. How wants to know the nuts & bolts and in details.

Questions are powerful tools, it’s worthwhile making sure you have right one for the job.